Nervous

First off, I really want to thank everyone for all the warm comments and messages I've gotten. I was overwhelmed and got a little teary by such a big response. Thank you all, even if I haven't gotten back to everyone personally.

I was going to write this yesterday, but was too tired and then my hubby came home with his RX of a double dose of mindless comedies--Potluck which we thought was going to be about eating dinner with friends, but was really about a bizzare cast of characters who keep trading off a stolen suitcase of mariujana, and Monty Python's Life of Brian, say no more nudge, nudge, wink wink.

Before I go further, let me pass on a couple of links. A friend sent this Art Bra competition link, and since I've been thinking about doing some 3D work, it sounds tempting. It reminded me once we were in San Francisco at a restaurant, and a guy came driving down the street pulling a huge Bra Ball on a mini-flat-bed trailer. I'm not kidding, but now that I've googled for photos, I'm not sure which one we saw, but it seemed about the size of Emily Duffy's.

I had an ultrasound yesterday, and it didn't look good. They like to give me these early ultrasounds because I'm such a problem patient, and although the radiologist was rather tight-lipped, I know from the other seven I've had that everything looked way too small for how far along I should be. Don't know anymore than that, but we're talking teeny-tiny, so now I'm just waiting for the doctor to call. Of course it's 4 am, two hours until yoga class, so I don't imagine she'll be calling anytime soon.

Thinking about how I got in the situation, it's time for a melty dissolve into ancient history. I was a happy Only Child for about seven years, then I had a couple of rowdy brothers show up. Now don't get me wrong, I love them to death. But after years of being the built-in babysitter, I was not enthralled with the idea of having any children of my own. In fact, it never seriously crossed my mind.

When I met my husband one thing that attracted me to him was No Pressure in the kid department. So we were very happy with our cat Chaunnie and our super smart wonder dog Mocha, our art, and our traveling adventures.

Then our cat disappeared, and later our dog died. Sometime in there my brother had his first child, and it was the first time I really thought about having one myself. But the most life-altering thing happened about five years ago, when one of our best friends was murdered.

Stuff like that really changes your life, and makes you think in different ways. But now I'm 43, and I feel crazy for trying, very insecure about the whole thing. Well, I guess who wouldn't be after this crazy fertility rollercoaster of a ride I've been on the last four years.

I often think it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't all stressed out about the age factor. I saw on a magazine in the grocery store that Demi Moore is pregnant at 42. And last week I heard a guy in the deli say his friend's wife just had twins at 54. But where I never really used to think about my age, now it's all about age and statistics and blah blah blah.

Sunday I saw on 60 Minutes a reporter went to some tiny remote Pacific island to see if anyone there survived the Tsunami. In this society he said the people had no concept of time or age, and no one knew how old they were. They were just happy where they were at. They also had no word for "want". I'm ready to go there now and be a lot more relaxed. And maybe to get another dog!